How Can New Moms Help New Dads Adjust to Her Changing Sexuality?

Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbili...
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Nekole Malia Shapiro is the founder of http://www.TantricBirth.com. In a recent Facebook exchange she asked me:

I pose the same question to you that I asked Dr. Northrup in the Ecstatic Birth Tele-Summit session last night. Having an ecstatic birth can explode a woman’s experience of her sexuality. This can sometimes make our partners uncomfortable and confused.

How do we best support our lovers in navigating our new sexual empowerment?

 

I replied:

Touch them with as much love and tenderness as you touch your newborn baby.

Invite them and include them in the magic circle you’re feeling with your child.

Don’t cast them out into the world to be the warrior/provider without also providing a sanctuary for them at the center of the family.

Re-introduce them to your new post-birth body; show them what’s changed and what hasn’t.

Welcome them home.

 

Nekole responded:

Lovely! Thank you. And if they pull away? Give them their space?

 

I replied:

When you give a man space for more than a day or two, you are enabling avoidance.

Some men need downtime to shift gears and recenter, and it’s best to encourage them to take time for that.

But in my experience, if he takes more than a day or two, he’s not trying… he’s drifted off into distraction. Call him home.

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Guest Post

The Mature Masculine by Boysen Hodgson

He cleans up after himself.

He cleans up the planet.

He is a role model for young men.

He is rigorously honest and fiercely optimistic.

He holds himself accountable.

He knows what he feels.

He knows how to cry and he lets it go.

He knows how to rage without hurting others.

He knows how to fear and how to keep moving.

He seeks self-mastery. He’s let go of childish shame.

He feels guilty when he’s done something wrong.

He is kind to men, kind to women, kind to children.

He teaches others how to be kind.

He says he’s sorry.

He stopped blaming women or his parents or men for his pain years ago.

He stopped letting his defenses ruin his relationships.

He stopped letting his penis run his life.

He has enough self respect to tell the truth.

He creates intimacy and trust with his actions.

He has men that he trusts and that he turns to for support.

He knows how to roll with it.

He knows how to make it happen.

He knows how to listen from the core of his being.

He’s not afraid to get dirty.

He’s ready to confront his own limitations.

He has high expectations for himself and for those he connects with.

He looks for ways to serve others.

He knows he is an individual.

He knows that we are all one.

He knows he is an animal and a part of nature.

He knows his spirit and his connection to something greater.

He knows that the future generations are watching his actions.

He builds communities where people are respected and valued.

He takes responsibility for himself and is willing to be his brother’s keeper.

He knows his higher purpose.

He loves with fierceness.

He laughs with abandon, because he gets the joke.

This is the Mature Masculine – it is the redefinition of masculinity for the 21st century.

By no means is this list complete.

Take a risk and come to the New Warrior Training Adventure.

We help men grow.

Because the world needs grown up men.

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Guys, the google search term ain't "Men's Work"

“Men’s Work” is a tool-belt full of bizarre-looking tools that the guy on the street can see no use for. Good luck selling it to anyone but workshop geeks.

“Process”… “Quest”… “Authenticity”… “Communication”… “Truth-telling”… “Inner Masculine/Feminine”… “Weekend Workshop”… “Initiation”… “Brotherhood”… blahblahblah…

WE may know what these tools are… but to most men, they’re awkward and intimidating jargon.

Wait till a man’s ready to build: a home, a family, sex, a career, money, community, a stairway out of his pit. Meet him in the real world. Address his desires and dreams.

THEN suddenly those tools gain value. Not because he wants the tools themselves… but because he wants to build something.

Focus on that SOMETHING… and you’ll have his full attention.

That’s why we need a thousand entry points… to niche this sucker down… and address each community’s specific values and goals.

In its own language.

What will do that? A guy who’s already living that life, building that goal, immersed in that community, speaking that language.

Then we throw our support behind him, trust him to translate and deliver.

Let him pick the google search terms that speak to him and his tribe.


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Toppling The Monolithic "Ideal Man"

Recovering from an intense, rocky, miraculous weekend at the Evolving Men’s Conference in Boulder. I went expecting a unified vision to emerge, and collective action. Apparently so did most of the other leaders who had gathered.

What we got instead was the truth: In 2010, there are as many ways to be a man as there are men.

The men’s movement came of age in the 80s, the era of corporate conglomeration. We are living in a very different reality today.

In the internet age, what seems to work is micro-niches in a loosely woven network. Diverse voices. Diverse truths. Wildly different approaches.

What do I, a white American boomer, have to say to a young Latino man? Turns out, not much. Honestly, if I turn it around, how much of my worldview do I get from hip-hop – or for that matter, from big-band swing?

Every tribe has its own voice and values.

So how do we proceed? For starters, we can break the stranglehold of measuring ourselves against the “Ideal Man”. I say, good riddance! I’ve never met a man – outside of an ad or a movie – who embodied that ideal in real life.

Manhood is an ongoing, daily, evolving process. Not a static-state ideal.

At the conference, there was majority (though not unanimous) opinion that Perfection is a trap. What the world needs from men is not perfection, but the capacity to self-correct.

Can we fall down and then get up? Can we listen deeply? Can we admit our mistakes and move on?

Can we laugh at ourselves – and by extension, give other men permission to relax and be human?

What the world needs – what young men need to see – is grown men who can do all that. And do it transparently, honestly, openly.

Anybody else feel the fresh air in that?

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Can Men Evolve?

This weekend in Boulder CO, a group of men from around the country (and the world) are gathering. Our mission? To evolve masculinity into a form that can thrive in the 21st century… and make us glad to be men.

Your daddy’s masculinity is out of date. Testosterone has trashed the global economy.

Women are overtaking men in the job market and in colleges. The future looks grim.

Young men seem locked into perpetual boyhood. Nobody wants to grow up.

The men’s movement is disappearing down its own navel.

Jayson Gaddis called this conference because he recognized the simple truth that men tend to isolate from each other, and men’s organizations pull that same stupid shit. Instead of working together, we’re all too often out there reinventing the wheel, hiding our failures, refusing to ask for directions when we get lost.

The Evolving Men’s Conference asks the simple question: What happens when men who are passionate about men’s work actually work together?

What happens when men’s organizations sit down together and collaborate?

Stay tuned…

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Is Your Sex Life Sustainable? The Boom-Boom Times Are Over, My Friend.

Here’s another way those dirty secrets – sex and money – are intertwined:

The U.S. is in the midst of an immense economic reorganization. The old paradigm of onward-and-upward, endless growth has shattered, and we’re wandering dazed through the debris.

Our revised goals? Survival and sustainability.

It’s no coincidence that our collective sex lives have taken a similar nosedive. Gone are the adrenaline and testosterone that fueled the BIGGER! HARDER! FASTER! school of masculinity.

The boom-boom times are over, my friend.

Are you poised to take advantage of the emerging sexual paradigm? Or will you ride the old dinosaurs all the way down into the tar pits?

The sex lives that will survive these downsized times will focus on the same themes that will drive the new green economy.

Deep connection to the earth and nature’s cycles. (Read: Deep connections to our bodies, not our most outrageous fantasies.)

Stay close to home. (Intimacy. Family. Trust.)

Grow your own food. (Feed the relationships that nurture you.)

Community. (Know your partners. Have a supportive circle of friends. “Shop” locally.)

Reuse. Reduce. Recycle. (Read: Work it out instead of always moving on.)

Learn how to enjoy what’s already here, instead of chasing after what’s not.

These shifts can be beautiful, if you know how to put down roots… and actually draw nourishment from what’s at hand.

Will your sex life survive this cataclysmic reordering?

Can you walk away from unsustainable exploitation (of yourself and others)?

Can you work in harmony with the natural rhythms of life?

Those who can, will thrive.

Those who won’t give up the unsustainable dream of empire… well, I’ve got 4 words for you.

Tar pits. Gravity. Godzilla.

Adapt or die.

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The Secret of Continuous Orgasm – The Naked Pulse – Is Buried Deep In Your Body

There is a pulse inside our bodies, deeper than heartbeat, below the level of synaptic firing.

This pulse aligns us with the rhythm of life. This pulse attunes us to the music of creation. When we surrender to this trembling pulsation, we explode into ecstasy.

Unlike an ordinary orgasm, this explosion continues – much like our heartbeat continues. It’s not a one-off event.

And unlike an ordinary orgasm, this pulse carries us into a whole new state of being.

This state has been available to us forever, just beneath the surface of our ordinary lives, just beyond the trance of separation.

I discovered this deep in my own body. You can too.

Oddly enough, the way we do sex now rarely gets us to this ecstasy.

If anything, common sexuality (which is mostly posturing and performance) PREVENTS us from reaching this deep state.

In common sex, we’re following a script – our own, or someone else’s.

In common sex, the gestures are too large – like the comical overacting of silent cinema.

We hold too much back, emotionally and psychologically. We’re not completely surrendered to the moment.

The pulse inside our bodies can only be heard when we’re present, in the here-and-now. Not when we’re distracted by the past or future.

The sound is drowned out by reruns, regrets and fantasies.

Be honest. How much of your mental chatter during sex is taken up by reruns, regrets and fantasies?

Forget about the mind. Ignore the chattering monkey in your head.

In this process, it’s useless. Once these words have pointed you in the right direction, it’s time to leave all thoughts behind.

What? Not be guided by my rational, logical, brilliant mind?

Yep, that’s right.

The direction here is inside your body, at the very roots of physical reality. That’s where you can pick up the pulse.

Buried treasure, deep in your body. Here and now. Nowhere else.

Are you man enough to stop your posturing and performing?

Are you man enough to trust the wisdom of your own excellent, miraculous body?

Dive into your body now. It will carry you into this endless ecstasy.

And from that new place, your lovemaking will change completely. No more overacting, no more wondering or worrying.

No, this naked pulse itself will carry you, and your partner, over the edge and into oneness.

Listen. It’s here right now, deep in your body.

Breathe! Can you feel its subterranean flow?

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If All Your Sexual Attention is on Your Cock, You're Missing the Ride of Your Life

Imagine you’re eating a sumptuous gourmet feast. All your favorite foods, and some astonishing new flavors.

Now imagine that you’re only using 5% of your taste buds. The other 95% are desperately sending messages to your brain, but there’s a short-circuit somewhere, and you don’t notice. The phone is ringing, but you won’t take the call.

Why would you limit your pleasure in that way?

‘Fess up. How often, during sex, do you focus most of your attention on your cock?

How about when you’re masturbating? That’s even worse! Most guys zoom in on the head, some include the shaft, and a few adventurous souls venture to the balls or even – gasp! – the ass.

Why? Because the other 95% of their attention is in the mind, running fantasies and watching the internal movie screen and talking to themselves. Unless they’re watching an EXTERNAL movie screen and letting porn do all the heavy lifting…

The rest of the body goes untouched… unloved… unnoticed…

Let’s talk square footage. How many square inches of skin on your cock? How many nerve endings?

How many square inches of skin on your body? How many nerve endings spread across that real estate?

Not to mention what opens up if you drill down into the subterranean levels, to the lush jungles and vast sensations INSIDE the body.

Or if you track the rush of feelings and the subtle flavors of emotion that arise in sex…

So tell me again why so many men focus most of their sexual attention on their cocks?

Sure, it gets the job done. It’s an efficient use of time.

But then again, so is fast food. Grab a sandwich, shove it down, move on.

The world is a feast, my friend. Is that all you want?

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Is Your Sexuality Out of Control, Like a Runaway Fire Hose?

The sexual current in most men is a powerful force. If we’re not plugged into our bodies in a solid way, the force of that current whips around and sprays into the world like a runaway fire hose.

Sex offers temporary release because we’re plugging our life force into another person’s body. The current can flow freely then.

But when we’re not actually engaged in sex, we’re leaking… spraying… pummeling the people around us. It sneaks out sideways. Jumps up at the worst moments. Turns into rage and frustration.

What can we do about our own runaway fire hose?

I believe we’ve missed the primary connection: we haven’t plugged that huge rush of desire – that sexual current – into OUR OWN BODIES. We’re disconnected from our genuine sexuality… because in this culture, that’s what we’re taught.

In childhood, our sexuality is ignored, denied, shamed, punished, or overintellectualized. In adolescence, we’re left to discover sex from the most suspect of sources: fumbling peers, bragging liars and pornographers.

When the hormones kick in and the firehose starts spraying, we have no clue how to integrate what’s happening.

So we jack off, fuck around, hurt people, feel bad, and lie about it.

In my experience, when I finally learned to plug my sexual energy into my own body (instead of my ego or my brain), that’s when sex started making sense.

But most men run the sexual charade from their heads. They have visual images and stories about HOW sex should be – and then they perform those fantasies.

What would happen if you plugged into your own body, your pelvis, your root? What if you were accessing a deeper body wisdom here? What if you felt attuned and integrated to your own unique sexual expression – instead of following someone else’s script?

The Deep Masculine is all about exploring those questions… finding your own answers… and plugging that amazingly powerful life force into YOUR own body.

No more runaway fire hoses. No more frustratingly short-lived relief.

Just a strong, solid flow of life force energy at your command. Under your direction.

What will you do with it?

That’s up to you.

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A New Man Is Emerging from the Shadows

How’s your fire? Your passion? Your free, uninhibited sexual expression?

Yep. That’s what I thought.

Most men I know are hiding in the shadows, hoping no one will call them out. Why? Because they’re not in touch with their own heart. Or soul. Even their body is a faraway experience…

Most men I know are secretly boys. (Well, not so secretly: it’s obvious to everyone but them.)

They’re afraid to be men. Being a man looks like a lot of work… with very little reward.

I’m here to tell you that being a man is the Most Amazing Adventure. Ever.

Note: I said “BEING a man.” That’s waaaay different from DOING or performing the image of masculinity that’s gotten lodged in your head, the mixed-up stories you’ve been told by others.

This blog is about discovering the fire inside, the truth that’s living in your body 24/7/365.

Come out of the shadows. Stop hiding.

Go deep into your body, find the wisdom that’s been expertly refined by millions of years of evolution.

You ARE a man. Here’s how to BE the unique man that you are.

Welcome to the Deep Masculine.

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